Well, today I gave my 2 weeks notice at work.  I’m freaking out and very excited all at the same time.  I’ve always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom, so this is a realization of a dream – but my reluctance remains.  How will we survive on one income?  And I’m dropping so many benefits…not just health insurance, but life insurance policies on everyone, long term disability, dental/vision, ADPL, not to mention a salary, a life outside of my home, feeling personally successful and appreciated.  I feel so insecure still – will I be a good enough mother?  If I’m the one raising my children, it’s all up to me!  I’ve got to make sure they grow in health, wisdom, and spirituality.  I’m the one who must teach them to be patient, kind, charitable, obedient, independent, loving, responsible, dependable and the list goes on and on.  How can I ever succeed at something so overwhelming?  I can’t help but think about the financial benefits we’d have if I continued to work – and they’re not all selfish:  college savings for the kids, finally buy a home, have a retirement, etc.  It’s so tempting!  Even to think of what one more year of working could bring.  Such a tempting cycle!!

The good thing is that Adam is supportive and wants me to be home as well.  That doesn’t mean he’s not scared either, but at least we’re on the same page and both willing to make the financial sacrifices needed. 

I’ve been home for 10 weeks now on maternity leave.  So far my time has been spent taking care of Bradley and trying to adjust to life with 3 children.  I’ve quickly learned this is no picnic!  This is tough!!  Lynnea and Jordan are thankfully adjusting well and I haven’t had to deal with major behavorial issues, but they quickly learned that while mom is busy with the baby (nursing or otherwise) I can’t keep as close an eye on them.  They’ve also seemed to learn that unless I actually get up to intervene in the activity or argument, that all my threats don’t mean anything.  I feel powerless – which I really don’t like!! 

So my thoughts and priorities are switching from deadlines and project updates to things like should I send my daughter to public school in the fall or home school, who’s got the best deal on milk this week, and is Jordan ready for potty training yet?